[ILUG-Social] jobs.com - the right job for you?

[Raymond Kelly]

Recent Job Adverts - match the spec with a name if you can...

Bullshitter (3 month contract)
------------------------------
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience
of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a
Unix environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician
level, and waffle in a technical capacity.
Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit
Engineer) qualification essential.


Liar (6 month contract)
-----------------------
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must
be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from
Oxford
or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not
actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or
explanations on
the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the
successful applicant's statements.


Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement) [0]
-----------------------------------------
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a
stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which
stopped somewhere in the mid-60's, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone
else, or (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
The ideal applicant will also have an American accent. Unix experience
not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
--------------------------------------------------
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least
six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling
a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could
possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping
or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any
category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they
do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate
their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful
candidate will be asked to break something during the interview,
preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought
possible or remotely likely.


E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
---------------------------------------------------------
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant
will have no experience of any of the following: commerce,
computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills
and a fixation with style over content will also be important.
You should have current experience in gross over-charging and
hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other
opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with
as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.


Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
----------------------------------------------------------
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer
support
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be
used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled
with complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering.
You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will
travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the
loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.


Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
--------------------------------------
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of
Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee
machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a
minimum of one year "between assignments".


Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
----------------------------------------------------
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is
provided for suitable applicants.

Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist
busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory
and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.


Noxious beancounter required.
-----------------------------
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a
requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential.


[0] Somehow This reminds me of Kevin Lyda :)

Raymond Kelly: ray at phbrink.ie: Systems Administrator:
PH Brink International, Ballybrit Business Park, Galway, Ireland:
TEL: +353 91 771181: Mobile: +353 87 2886761 (Caller ID only):
http://www.linux.ie/linux-ie-people.html#RayKelly