[ILUG-Social] fwd: Inexperienced chili taster

[kevin lyda]

topical in light of current discussions...

from rhf:
>INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
>
>Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting 
>Texas from Boston:
>
>"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. 
>The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to 
>be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer 
>wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native 
>Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they 
>told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here 
>are the scorecards from the event:"
>
>Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried 
>paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I 
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
>JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
>seriously.
>
>FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am 
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted 
>to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when 
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
>JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
>
>FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I 
>have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more 
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is 
>in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>
>
>Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to 
>taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was 
>standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to 
>look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an 
>aphrodisiac?
>
>
>Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit 
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can 
>no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed 
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her 
>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by 
>pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my 
>lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop 
>screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>
>
>Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice 
>and peppers.
>
>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. 
>Superb.
>
>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, 
>sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried 
>it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me 
>except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel 
>my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
>
>
>Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
>chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about 
>Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
>uncontrollably.
>
>FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't 
>feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which 
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to 
>match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what 
>killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
>
>[Note - yet another "making the rounds" piece - ed.]
>
>-- 
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>
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>
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